all the things i want...

the sweetest matchbooks i have ever seen!

by SusyJack*

sentiment.

the past few days have made me ponder the thought... 'is that TIME of the month approaching, already?' because i find my self discovering sentiments it the oddest of places. overall, i am emotional person. i'm very in tune with how i think and react to things in my everyday life and usually my reaction is rightfully warranted. but since last friday... it's been a uphill battle with getting through the day without being emotionally touched by the most random thing. now, i am not bitching. i appreciate when a song on the radio moves me, or a sky full of rolling clouds takes me breath away... but when it_is_every_little_thing, it becomes a bit exhausting.


by PearlGirl

saturday i spent the day huddled in the corner of my bathroom, bawling my eyes out and blowing my nose into a hand towel. why is it that we always find ourselves in the bathroom in times of emotional breakdowns? is it a safe place? can no one touch us there? i don't know why i do it... i have no one to hide from in my own home unless the dogs are all up in my face. but they have learned to watch the sobbing from at least a ten foot radius. they sit patiently until called on... they are such smart dogs. the emotional blabber fest that visited on saturday was maybe a delicate recipe of the approaching 2 year anniversary of my SBJ death, the looming feeling that i must return to a craptastic job after the weekend, the self loathing feeling that i am without an intimate relationship, and the best one of all... the amazing sense that i have made zero movement in my life in the past four years, if anything i have regressed. when do i get to stick my head above water. why do i feel like i am fighting a fight that no one else is? it seems like everyone is about money, status, what they have, where they are going... why does all that matter? what about the one thing that is yours, the one thing you can control, the one thing you can take with you... your soul. why don't we all concern ourselves with the inner workings of what make us the way we are? again, i feel like i am fighting a fight all on my own.

light bulb.

the light bulb in my closet went out... like a month ago. yet i have not changed it. why? because i am lazy. plain and simple.


by Scenicartisans

so this weekend, the cleaning bug bit me and i was off. doing loads and loads of laundry. dusting. vacuuming. carpet cleaning and attempting to change that damn light bulb. i grabbed the tallest thing in my apartment, which is a bar stool and started to climb. WTF! I'm too short. i can't reach the light bulb. the fist thought i have is 'if i had a man in my life, all i would have to do is ask him'. then... i emotionally fell apart.

moments like these are moments where i hate my situation. i get extremely angry that things in my life are no where near where i want them to be.

then.. i wiped the tears away, stopped feeling sorry for myself, and went to target to buy a step ladder.

dating.

i've never been good at dating. in high school i had a boyfriend for 2 years and when i wasn't with him, there was this one guy, who i was head over hills for. after high school, i meet The Fireman... who was not a fireman at the time but now is... and we were together for 3 years. I then left The Fireman to be with My SBJ, who i was with for 5 years, and we all know how that ended. After My SBJ passed away, I met Mr. T who devastatingly crushed my heart and my soul.

so now i have been left to survive the dating pool... a shallow yet crowd pool of fellows who have left me bored and annoyed. if i'm attracted to them, they have no job or not spunk. if they are witty and fun, i'm not physically attracted to them. and overall these guys are just not jazzy. not interesting. not exciting. i'm bored. it sucks. i'm out.

a trick on the eye.

I found these wall graphics yesterday online at Morden Wall Graphics. I have been daydreaming for the past two afternoons about pasting them all over my apartment but I think that may be a bit of over kill. Tonight I plan on sitting on the floor and imaging the perfect space for which ever one i pick.

happy new year... i guess.

for the past few weeks, i have put my head down and walked around as if not paying any attention that it was the beginning of a new year. to me, it was just another day. another lonely day... with more lonely days to follow. we are now 9 days into the year and i feel it is okay to come out of hiding and go on with normal business.

i did not,like most others, make any resolutions or plan on coming up with any new adventures. the ones i had last month are the ones i have today but with maybe one or two more steps accomplished. to make resolutions, i think you have to be unsatisfied with something in yourself and right now, i really don't feel that way. i lost 20 lbs in the last 4 months of last year. i accidentally picked up bikram yoga two weeks ago and it makes me feel pretty good. and i haven't had an appetite to eat much except when that monthly week comes around. a girlfriend asked when i would stop smoking and i replied, 'when i feel like it and i really don't feel like it.' my bank account is has positive numbers in it and my brain is in tune... but what is wrong is that my heart is broken and i unfortunately can not fix that on my own. so when thinking about resolutions... i'm pretty satisfied with the way things are with myself.

aspirations.

i have so many thoughts running through my mind about what is going to be the next step in my life. the past 6 years i have invested in things that have shown no return what so ever. is it because i have invested in others and not myself? i am so ashamed of the person i was. so ignorant to the things that were important. filling my life with such crap that means nothing in the long run. and not that i am on a pilgrimage to change the world but i am on a pilgrimage to see and experiance the world and life. some many things keep revolving through the idea sphere of my brain and i'm confused on how to organize them, how to prioritze them.

dream 1:
learn adobe creative suite.
dream 2:
start my own business.
dream 3:
travel through europe.
dream 4:
move to a new city for no reason.
dream 5:
learn how to play the mandolin.

i know.. it's alot! the biggest one though is the moving to a new city for no reason. i want to move to savannah. just cause i think it would be pretty and full of southern charm. and an adventure! that's what this is all about. BUT i love my little town. i love my friends. i love my family. and i would hate to be away from them. i would hate to miss out on their lives. but that is life! and i need to live it, feel it, see it and be it!
i worry about how my family will react to all this. they worry about me but they don't understand where i am at. i have no strings attached to anything but them and they will love me no matter what and they will be there. but not forever, this i know. but i can't wait around and spend those extra minutes with people who don't know what it means to LIVE, to push back, to be an active member of the world.

random thought.

i am so sad, so hurt, and angry on the inside that i am afriad to look inward and deal with all the pain. i am tired of hurting. i am tired of dealing with it all alone. i am exhausted. i can not wait for the day when someone can hold my hand and say it's okay to let me fall about and be able to handle help me put the pieces back together.

holidays.

many days have passed where i have thought that i need to keep up with my blogging but this instant sense of dread would come over me because for many posts i harped on the break up between mr.t and myself and i started associated bad feelings with blogging and i do not want that feeling anymore so i'm back and hopefully more fierce than ever!

it's the holidays and at first i was trying to ignore them but o my god that is completely impossible! i noticed when i tried ignoring it that i sat wishing i had a tree or little white light strung up about and the christmas carols on the radio and the commercials all over the tv and the constant questioning about holiday plans... i stopped fighting it and surrendered. i am glad i did. i love my tree. i love my lights. i listened to christmas carols on the way home from work. i'm looking forward to seeing the family next week. but i still hate the commercials. that my dears will never ever change. so happy holidays to you and yours and love the people you love a little more in these next few weeks and hold on to those sweet sweet memories. much love.

angst.

that word sums it all up for the way i feel lately. i have this sense that something bad is going to happen. i've had it for about 5 days now and it's hasn't gone away. is my instinct trying to tell me something? gee, i hope not because i don't think i can handle more bad things coming down on me. i really need to seek professional help. when at work, i constantly think people are talking about me and when at home, i constantly feel like there is no one thinking about me. i am in such a sad place and i cant stand it... Lord, please help me.

low and slow

well, i have gotten a job. it, by no means is the dream job but i keep telling myself it has potential. yet, i sit at my desk so uncomfortable in my own skin... i hate being at this desk, pushing numbers and papers. i am such a cliche, gross! what is wrong with me?! all i wanted was a job to get me out of my funk and now that i have one, it's not working. mr.t has been feeding the creative inside me lately, the one thing i strive to be,and i'm loving it but am i loving it for the wrong reasons? for the attention he gives me, for the brightness that lights up in his eyes when i tune in so intently... i don't think so. he and i have always shared this passion about all things artsy; we just didn't discuss it towards the end of our relationship i suppose and not to allude to the idea that being more creative with him would have changed things because they would not have. i am realizing that all these years i thought that i wanted to be this particular person and the bottom line is i'm not that person i have been working on to be...the martha stewarts of the world. and i respect those women, i do. but that is just a part of me. the martha wanna be. what i have come to realize is that i want to be a mixture of all things i love and i have always been that way on the inside but have cared about what others have thought about it on the outside. I NEED TO STOP THAT! it only gets me in trouble. i am ready to move on to my dream. i need to be a bit smarter than my last attempt. thinking i could do it alone. not being prepared. working on a whim. i need slow and steady... the infamous words of FNP, low and slow.

in limbo.

i want so bad to call mr. t tonight. i know i should not. we have not talked in 5 days and i know this is the way it should be but i want to chit chat with him and tell him i miss him and i love him and that when i think about going out with other guys, it sickens me because they are not him. it seems like nobody can be as good as him. no can be as funny. as understanding. as handsome. as creative. as laid back. as great as him. i know this is so horrible that i think this because he has chosen not to love me back but it is the truth and i write the truth here. that is why i do it.

i feel more functional today than i was, say, three or four weeks ago but i still feel lost. i keep thinking that getting a job will make it go away but i'm so afraid it won't. what if it doesn't? what if i have this lost feeling forever. i hate that i have wasted time pining over the lost of my job and my boyfriend. to think... after my SBJ died, one week later i was ready to deal with it. i was so eager to put the pieces back together. so ready to move on. and mr. t breaks up with me and i literally hit the floor and barely move for weeks. how pathetic is that? i love my husband who i knew for years and starting fighting back immediately. my boyfriend who i knew for a year leaves me and i refuse to function. does this make sense to anyone? how confusing. where is my fight? my strength? my drive? someone please... help me find it.

i know i should not call mr. t. i know i should not email or text but i miss my bear so much. i miss his laughter. i miss his silliness. i miss him.

i get so angry when i think about all this. i want the hurt to go away. i a trying to fix the pain by filling my day with mundane things but then i feel like i am just wasting precious time. but i also feel like, if i don't deal with this and get him out of my mind, i will always be locked on him. and i can't do that. i can't do that to myself. and i can't do that to another person... if i meet anyone else who wants to deal with me.

coping.

i wanted to keep blogging about my emotional situation through my soul crushing experiance of a break up so i could see the process i was making but i have been way too emotional. if i even thought about sitting down to type i would start crying. i know that that writing is one of my best coping skills but i felt i just wasn't strong enough to even complete a paragraph that made any sense. so now i feel like i am threre and i need to work some stuff out... and by getting things out of my head and on a screen or paper or whatever should help me clear my mind.

it's been a month or so and i do feel like i can breathe. for awhile i there i didn't. i would literally catch myself holding my breath and i had no clue why. mr. t and i didn't really speak for the first two weeks and then i asked him to come pick up his things and we had a good talk for about an hour. after the 'i'm doing ok, with tears welling up n my eyes' conversation we started talking about everyday bullshit and it was fun. and God, i felt so much better. i also felt like we could actually be friends. so saturday we hung out. of course he made it seem like it was his last choice of entertainment but i looked forward to just hanging out with him. after about 4 beers... somethings were said on his part and it really confused me. he told me he still loves me but not in that i'm in love with you way, very nonchalant. and then later in the conversation i was talking about how i know i need to just move on and get over him and in the middle of my sentence he proclaims, ' i don't want you to get over me'...WTF? how am i suppose to react to that? how am i suppose to live with those words. i love this man deeply and he is has not returned my affection but wants to me hang on to him? i want so bad to talk this out with him but i am afraid he will back peddle, knock me down again, and walk away. or he may just say we should not see each other. and i can't live with that. not at this point. and i feel like doing nothing about it would mean i am too scared to make a move which in turn is the reason why we are in this place. he is too scared to make a move in his like. and we talked about that too on the other night... he says he does want all the things i have talked about wanting and i got so angry and told him, 'it's sitting right in front of him, literally, i am sitting right in front of you'. i know i need to let this go but i have never wanted, needed someone so bad. this man has filled my head up with nothing but words...words... words... i need action. i need him to show me what he feels, until then i can not give him anymore. i know that is easier said than done but i will try.

i feel like my relationship with mr.t was nothing to him... something easy to throw away in a day or two. no need to hang on to and talk it out or stick it out. i think he is so scared to move on with his life that he rather not try. but why... i have given him nothing but the best of me. is it not enough or i am not the one and if not just tell me. it would make sense and it would hurt but i think i could let go of it and it would be a little easier. i'm in limbo and i hate it. all i want to do is talk it through with him but i think it might be too much for him. he will just say i don't know... i'm still trying to work it out.... blah blah blah and that is not what i want to hear. i am going to give it a few more days. no talking, no texting, no email. i must tell myself to be strong strong strong.

update: i am weak. i called. it started a heated debate. we ended the conversation amicably and o good terms. we have not spoken sense.

moon.

i hate this place i am in right now. i am dealing with so many issues i don't know where to start. i don't have a job and i am having the hardest time finding motivation to put towards my business. the man who i thought hung the moon, apparently didn't hang it for me and left me when i needed him the most.

defeated.

he did it, mr.t finally finished it off. i am broken in everyway possible. i am back to square one. i have gone back and read blogs from when i was most down and what do you know ... i feel the exact same way. i truly want to die.