i love love love him

i think i have found the guy of my dreams. wait. such a cliche...

let us go back a step.

so the guy in my life, Mr. T, i love him. absolutely adore this man. would worship the ground he walks on if that didn't make me look like a complete and total tard. he is what my 'happily ever after' is made of but he is not sure of what he wants his 'happily ever after' to be. i can't be bothered by that, can i?
well, i am. i am so bothered that at the age of 30 this kiddo is not aware of the steps he wants to take in his life. he constantly goes back and forth between the idea of singleton or two's company. or whether to invest in a house or jump around from cool apartment to cool apartment. i blame it on the cunty x-wife. she had ruined him. because of her infidelity, she has burned him to the core. stupid bitches, always fucking with the wrong men. he obviously wants me around or he would say or do something otherwise. i thought for a few weeks, that maybe he just wasn't that into me so i referred to that lame book and shimmed through it only finding out what i already knew... i can't believe someone made a buck on girls stupidity. o wait... i can. digressing from my point, all the points this book was trying to make, Mr.T, wasn't doing the obvious things. He was still asking me out, calling, taking me out with his friends, so on and so forth. So i let go of that and he more or less has reassured me he wants to be with me.

i need to know where i stand with him. we have talked about being together for long haul but sometimes i think he doesn't really think that far in advance. i have learned from him not to worry so much about what will be happening then and there but to pay attention to here and now.


Whew... wiping the sweat from my brow.

so... i did it, i moved! thank goodness it is over. Now to start making the house a home.

i am exhausted. i am overwhelmed. i can not wait until everything finds it's place and stays there. if only my puppers would do the same!


Stress, Stress, Stress

It's Tuesday... I move into my new place on Friday. My new place... all by myself. I have never moved into a new residence alone. I have always had a sister, a college dorm roommate, a sorority sister, a boyfriend, then a boyfriend turned husband to share all the anxieties of moving. The decisions. The approval of someone else. The comfort of knowing someone shares in your responsibility. But now, it's all my decision. Every. Single. Thing. This process has been very strange to me.

I have been living alone ever since My Sweet Baby James passed away, which will a year and three months on my moving day. But I have been living in the house that we lived in together so when we moved in there, we made those choices together. Now this is the first time ever I have had to do it on my own. I thought it would be fun and easy since it's my choice and I'm pretty sure I always know what I want but man was I wrong. I have second guessed my self on every single decision I have been making. I've been so worried if I am making the right choices for myself. Can I afford this new place? Will I be OK with the longer commute? Will I like my new neighborhood? Is it too far away from my friends? The list goes on and on.

Look. I know I am not the first person in the world who has had these obstacles to over come, I'm just saying, "Gees!" being alone in the world can be hard. Especially now that the stress of moving and getting everything together are coming to ahead. I have no one to help me. No one to hold my hand. Give me a hug. Go through trash. Tell me it's going to be OK. No one to look at and imagine what the days ahead will be like in this new place. This new place that will be different and not comforting like home should be. I have to say good bye to that comfort of a home that i have known and been through so many thing in. the first place we had moved after being married, the place where we hung out and slept and fought and made up. Where we discussed our future together and almost our future apart. where i fell to my knees in dealing with his lose. where i cried for days and pleaded with GOD to show me some answers. the exact place where i remember him laughing hysterically, the last place where i remember him looking at me and me telling him what i wanted for Valentines day and the exact spot where he hugged so very tight before we walked away and went our separate ways the weekend he died.

Now I have to make comforts at this new place. So wish me luck!