in limbo.

i want so bad to call mr. t tonight. i know i should not. we have not talked in 5 days and i know this is the way it should be but i want to chit chat with him and tell him i miss him and i love him and that when i think about going out with other guys, it sickens me because they are not him. it seems like nobody can be as good as him. no can be as funny. as understanding. as handsome. as creative. as laid back. as great as him. i know this is so horrible that i think this because he has chosen not to love me back but it is the truth and i write the truth here. that is why i do it.

i feel more functional today than i was, say, three or four weeks ago but i still feel lost. i keep thinking that getting a job will make it go away but i'm so afraid it won't. what if it doesn't? what if i have this lost feeling forever. i hate that i have wasted time pining over the lost of my job and my boyfriend. to think... after my SBJ died, one week later i was ready to deal with it. i was so eager to put the pieces back together. so ready to move on. and mr. t breaks up with me and i literally hit the floor and barely move for weeks. how pathetic is that? i love my husband who i knew for years and starting fighting back immediately. my boyfriend who i knew for a year leaves me and i refuse to function. does this make sense to anyone? how confusing. where is my fight? my strength? my drive? someone please... help me find it.

i know i should not call mr. t. i know i should not email or text but i miss my bear so much. i miss his laughter. i miss his silliness. i miss him.

i get so angry when i think about all this. i want the hurt to go away. i a trying to fix the pain by filling my day with mundane things but then i feel like i am just wasting precious time. but i also feel like, if i don't deal with this and get him out of my mind, i will always be locked on him. and i can't do that. i can't do that to myself. and i can't do that to another person... if i meet anyone else who wants to deal with me.