the past few days have made me ponder the thought... 'is that TIME of the month approaching, already?' because i find my self discovering sentiments it the oddest of places. overall, i am emotional person. i'm very in tune with how i think and react to things in my everyday life and usually my reaction is rightfully warranted. but since last friday... it's been a uphill battle with getting through the day without being emotionally touched by the most random thing. now, i am not bitching. i appreciate when a song on the radio moves me, or a sky full of rolling clouds takes me breath away... but when it_is_every_little_thing, it becomes a bit exhausting.
saturday i spent the day huddled in the corner of my bathroom, bawling my eyes out and blowing my nose into a hand towel. why is it that we always find ourselves in the bathroom in times of emotional breakdowns? is it a safe place? can no one touch us there? i don't know why i do it... i have no one to hide from in my own home unless the dogs are all up in my face. but they have learned to watch the sobbing from at least a ten foot radius. they sit patiently until called on... they are such smart dogs. the emotional blabber fest that visited on saturday was maybe a delicate recipe of the approaching 2 year anniversary of my SBJ death, the looming feeling that i must return to a craptastic job after the weekend, the self loathing feeling that i am without an intimate relationship, and the best one of all... the amazing sense that i have made zero movement in my life in the past four years, if anything i have regressed. when do i get to stick my head above water. why do i feel like i am fighting a fight that no one else is? it seems like everyone is about money, status, what they have, where they are going... why does all that matter? what about the one thing that is yours, the one thing you can control, the one thing you can take with you... your soul. why don't we all concern ourselves with the inner workings of what make us the way we are? again, i feel like i am fighting a fight all on my own.