5.14.2008

reasons.


when my SBJ died, people told me "Everything happens for a reason, Angela." i sometimes think people don't hear themselves when they speak and how they come across, or the context that they are applying these said sentiments. or maybe they just say what they've been programed to say. either way... i have constantly been on this search to find my reason for losing my husband.

for a while, i thought it honestly had nothing to do with me. i thought the reason was maybe for my SBJ's sister {her and her husbands lives changed tremendously for the better after we lost him} and because of that i was even more angered. honestly, i wanted it to be about me. after all, i was the one that lost my life partner.... the man who loved me without fail, the man i was suppose to have babies with, the man that i was supposed to build a life with, the man i was supposed to grow old with, the man who had all my life dreams wrapped up in him. i wanted it to be about me... selfish, i know.

through my search to figure all this out, i was fortunate enough to find someone else to share my days with... i thought i had found my reason in this someone; a love i had never felt before was suppose to come to me and take care of me and make everything right again. but i was wrong. i was wrong to think that someone else could take on the responsibility of defining my reason. for one, this is no one's battle but my own, a hard truth i have come to face. and for another, when i give someone else that power, they can take it away. which can hurt the most. now that more time has passed and i have had the opportunity to see things in a different manner, i have found MY reason, and it can not be taken away from me. no matter what, it IS mine.

losing my SBJs happened to me because i was to gain perspective. some of you have heard me talk about this in such depths that i'm sure you could put ear muffs on and still know what my exact point is by the time the conversation is done. but i look at it as my gift. my badge of courage. as conceited, or smug, or pompous as it may sound... i am proud of myself for the perspective i have gained. i get it. i think people spend their entire lives searching for some understanding of life, and how lucky am i that i understand a bit of it at 27. i get to apply that to the rest of my days. to me, that's amazing!

even though the five years i spent with my SBJ's was a short amount of time and, honestly, not always perfect {man, could we fight!}... i experienced some of the best characteristics a person could possibly posses. and for that i am lucky to have loved, and been loved, by him.

i am coming of out this a better person. a more prepared being. someone able to asses life in a manner that only comes with life experience. again, i am the lucky one.

6 comments:

Jaye Joseph said...

When I got sick, and people told me everything happened for a reason, I flat out told them, "No. It doesn't. There was no reason for me to get cancer." I still believe that.

I gained perspective too, lots of it. I know exactly what you're talking about. But I still don't believe there's a reason for everything. Somethings just...are. And I'm really comfortable with that, and the perspective I've gained.

I hope you are too. You're an amazing, fearless woman. Even though you might feel scared, you don't let it stop you. That? Is the definition of fearless.

PearlGirl said...

thank you, jaye, for your words.

maybe this coming to terms with 'a reason' is my way of being comfortable with what has happened?

i am still saddened everyday that james is not with me. i'm still surprised by how much something will catch me off guard and bring back emotions that i thought i would be able to deal with by now.

but i feel like what i have gained is almost more than what i have lost. i guess when the gain out weights the loss, maybe then i'll be healed...

Colby said...

It might not be directly applicable, but I saw something last night on forgiveness that said you've forgiven someone when you can say, "thank you for giving me that experience."

PearlGirl said...

well said, colby. i completely agree.


and from my previous comment 'out weights' should be 'outweighs'. but i'm sure you all get the point.

Swampy said...

sometimes i forget that you've been through all of this... i think that says a lot

PearlGirl said...

i knew you never listened to me. sigh.