aspirations.

i have so many thoughts running through my mind about what is going to be the next step in my life. the past 6 years i have invested in things that have shown no return what so ever. is it because i have invested in others and not myself? i am so ashamed of the person i was. so ignorant to the things that were important. filling my life with such crap that means nothing in the long run. and not that i am on a pilgrimage to change the world but i am on a pilgrimage to see and experiance the world and life. some many things keep revolving through the idea sphere of my brain and i'm confused on how to organize them, how to prioritze them.

dream 1:
learn adobe creative suite.
dream 2:
start my own business.
dream 3:
travel through europe.
dream 4:
move to a new city for no reason.
dream 5:
learn how to play the mandolin.

i know.. it's alot! the biggest one though is the moving to a new city for no reason. i want to move to savannah. just cause i think it would be pretty and full of southern charm. and an adventure! that's what this is all about. BUT i love my little town. i love my friends. i love my family. and i would hate to be away from them. i would hate to miss out on their lives. but that is life! and i need to live it, feel it, see it and be it!
i worry about how my family will react to all this. they worry about me but they don't understand where i am at. i have no strings attached to anything but them and they will love me no matter what and they will be there. but not forever, this i know. but i can't wait around and spend those extra minutes with people who don't know what it means to LIVE, to push back, to be an active member of the world.

random thought.

i am so sad, so hurt, and angry on the inside that i am afriad to look inward and deal with all the pain. i am tired of hurting. i am tired of dealing with it all alone. i am exhausted. i can not wait for the day when someone can hold my hand and say it's okay to let me fall about and be able to handle help me put the pieces back together.

holidays.

many days have passed where i have thought that i need to keep up with my blogging but this instant sense of dread would come over me because for many posts i harped on the break up between mr.t and myself and i started associated bad feelings with blogging and i do not want that feeling anymore so i'm back and hopefully more fierce than ever!

it's the holidays and at first i was trying to ignore them but o my god that is completely impossible! i noticed when i tried ignoring it that i sat wishing i had a tree or little white light strung up about and the christmas carols on the radio and the commercials all over the tv and the constant questioning about holiday plans... i stopped fighting it and surrendered. i am glad i did. i love my tree. i love my lights. i listened to christmas carols on the way home from work. i'm looking forward to seeing the family next week. but i still hate the commercials. that my dears will never ever change. so happy holidays to you and yours and love the people you love a little more in these next few weeks and hold on to those sweet sweet memories. much love.