angst.

that word sums it all up for the way i feel lately. i have this sense that something bad is going to happen. i've had it for about 5 days now and it's hasn't gone away. is my instinct trying to tell me something? gee, i hope not because i don't think i can handle more bad things coming down on me. i really need to seek professional help. when at work, i constantly think people are talking about me and when at home, i constantly feel like there is no one thinking about me. i am in such a sad place and i cant stand it... Lord, please help me.

low and slow

well, i have gotten a job. it, by no means is the dream job but i keep telling myself it has potential. yet, i sit at my desk so uncomfortable in my own skin... i hate being at this desk, pushing numbers and papers. i am such a cliche, gross! what is wrong with me?! all i wanted was a job to get me out of my funk and now that i have one, it's not working. mr.t has been feeding the creative inside me lately, the one thing i strive to be,and i'm loving it but am i loving it for the wrong reasons? for the attention he gives me, for the brightness that lights up in his eyes when i tune in so intently... i don't think so. he and i have always shared this passion about all things artsy; we just didn't discuss it towards the end of our relationship i suppose and not to allude to the idea that being more creative with him would have changed things because they would not have. i am realizing that all these years i thought that i wanted to be this particular person and the bottom line is i'm not that person i have been working on to be...the martha stewarts of the world. and i respect those women, i do. but that is just a part of me. the martha wanna be. what i have come to realize is that i want to be a mixture of all things i love and i have always been that way on the inside but have cared about what others have thought about it on the outside. I NEED TO STOP THAT! it only gets me in trouble. i am ready to move on to my dream. i need to be a bit smarter than my last attempt. thinking i could do it alone. not being prepared. working on a whim. i need slow and steady... the infamous words of FNP, low and slow.