coping.

i wanted to keep blogging about my emotional situation through my soul crushing experiance of a break up so i could see the process i was making but i have been way too emotional. if i even thought about sitting down to type i would start crying. i know that that writing is one of my best coping skills but i felt i just wasn't strong enough to even complete a paragraph that made any sense. so now i feel like i am threre and i need to work some stuff out... and by getting things out of my head and on a screen or paper or whatever should help me clear my mind.

it's been a month or so and i do feel like i can breathe. for awhile i there i didn't. i would literally catch myself holding my breath and i had no clue why. mr. t and i didn't really speak for the first two weeks and then i asked him to come pick up his things and we had a good talk for about an hour. after the 'i'm doing ok, with tears welling up n my eyes' conversation we started talking about everyday bullshit and it was fun. and God, i felt so much better. i also felt like we could actually be friends. so saturday we hung out. of course he made it seem like it was his last choice of entertainment but i looked forward to just hanging out with him. after about 4 beers... somethings were said on his part and it really confused me. he told me he still loves me but not in that i'm in love with you way, very nonchalant. and then later in the conversation i was talking about how i know i need to just move on and get over him and in the middle of my sentence he proclaims, ' i don't want you to get over me'...WTF? how am i suppose to react to that? how am i suppose to live with those words. i love this man deeply and he is has not returned my affection but wants to me hang on to him? i want so bad to talk this out with him but i am afraid he will back peddle, knock me down again, and walk away. or he may just say we should not see each other. and i can't live with that. not at this point. and i feel like doing nothing about it would mean i am too scared to make a move which in turn is the reason why we are in this place. he is too scared to make a move in his like. and we talked about that too on the other night... he says he does want all the things i have talked about wanting and i got so angry and told him, 'it's sitting right in front of him, literally, i am sitting right in front of you'. i know i need to let this go but i have never wanted, needed someone so bad. this man has filled my head up with nothing but words...words... words... i need action. i need him to show me what he feels, until then i can not give him anymore. i know that is easier said than done but i will try.

i feel like my relationship with mr.t was nothing to him... something easy to throw away in a day or two. no need to hang on to and talk it out or stick it out. i think he is so scared to move on with his life that he rather not try. but why... i have given him nothing but the best of me. is it not enough or i am not the one and if not just tell me. it would make sense and it would hurt but i think i could let go of it and it would be a little easier. i'm in limbo and i hate it. all i want to do is talk it through with him but i think it might be too much for him. he will just say i don't know... i'm still trying to work it out.... blah blah blah and that is not what i want to hear. i am going to give it a few more days. no talking, no texting, no email. i must tell myself to be strong strong strong.

update: i am weak. i called. it started a heated debate. we ended the conversation amicably and o good terms. we have not spoken sense.

moon.

i hate this place i am in right now. i am dealing with so many issues i don't know where to start. i don't have a job and i am having the hardest time finding motivation to put towards my business. the man who i thought hung the moon, apparently didn't hang it for me and left me when i needed him the most.

defeated.

he did it, mr.t finally finished it off. i am broken in everyway possible. i am back to square one. i have gone back and read blogs from when i was most down and what do you know ... i feel the exact same way. i truly want to die.