angst.

that word sums it all up for the way i feel lately. i have this sense that something bad is going to happen. i've had it for about 5 days now and it's hasn't gone away. is my instinct trying to tell me something? gee, i hope not because i don't think i can handle more bad things coming down on me. i really need to seek professional help. when at work, i constantly think people are talking about me and when at home, i constantly feel like there is no one thinking about me. i am in such a sad place and i cant stand it... Lord, please help me.

low and slow

well, i have gotten a job. it, by no means is the dream job but i keep telling myself it has potential. yet, i sit at my desk so uncomfortable in my own skin... i hate being at this desk, pushing numbers and papers. i am such a cliche, gross! what is wrong with me?! all i wanted was a job to get me out of my funk and now that i have one, it's not working. mr.t has been feeding the creative inside me lately, the one thing i strive to be,and i'm loving it but am i loving it for the wrong reasons? for the attention he gives me, for the brightness that lights up in his eyes when i tune in so intently... i don't think so. he and i have always shared this passion about all things artsy; we just didn't discuss it towards the end of our relationship i suppose and not to allude to the idea that being more creative with him would have changed things because they would not have. i am realizing that all these years i thought that i wanted to be this particular person and the bottom line is i'm not that person i have been working on to be...the martha stewarts of the world. and i respect those women, i do. but that is just a part of me. the martha wanna be. what i have come to realize is that i want to be a mixture of all things i love and i have always been that way on the inside but have cared about what others have thought about it on the outside. I NEED TO STOP THAT! it only gets me in trouble. i am ready to move on to my dream. i need to be a bit smarter than my last attempt. thinking i could do it alone. not being prepared. working on a whim. i need slow and steady... the infamous words of FNP, low and slow.

in limbo.

i want so bad to call mr. t tonight. i know i should not. we have not talked in 5 days and i know this is the way it should be but i want to chit chat with him and tell him i miss him and i love him and that when i think about going out with other guys, it sickens me because they are not him. it seems like nobody can be as good as him. no can be as funny. as understanding. as handsome. as creative. as laid back. as great as him. i know this is so horrible that i think this because he has chosen not to love me back but it is the truth and i write the truth here. that is why i do it.

i feel more functional today than i was, say, three or four weeks ago but i still feel lost. i keep thinking that getting a job will make it go away but i'm so afraid it won't. what if it doesn't? what if i have this lost feeling forever. i hate that i have wasted time pining over the lost of my job and my boyfriend. to think... after my SBJ died, one week later i was ready to deal with it. i was so eager to put the pieces back together. so ready to move on. and mr. t breaks up with me and i literally hit the floor and barely move for weeks. how pathetic is that? i love my husband who i knew for years and starting fighting back immediately. my boyfriend who i knew for a year leaves me and i refuse to function. does this make sense to anyone? how confusing. where is my fight? my strength? my drive? someone please... help me find it.

i know i should not call mr. t. i know i should not email or text but i miss my bear so much. i miss his laughter. i miss his silliness. i miss him.

i get so angry when i think about all this. i want the hurt to go away. i a trying to fix the pain by filling my day with mundane things but then i feel like i am just wasting precious time. but i also feel like, if i don't deal with this and get him out of my mind, i will always be locked on him. and i can't do that. i can't do that to myself. and i can't do that to another person... if i meet anyone else who wants to deal with me.

coping.

i wanted to keep blogging about my emotional situation through my soul crushing experiance of a break up so i could see the process i was making but i have been way too emotional. if i even thought about sitting down to type i would start crying. i know that that writing is one of my best coping skills but i felt i just wasn't strong enough to even complete a paragraph that made any sense. so now i feel like i am threre and i need to work some stuff out... and by getting things out of my head and on a screen or paper or whatever should help me clear my mind.

it's been a month or so and i do feel like i can breathe. for awhile i there i didn't. i would literally catch myself holding my breath and i had no clue why. mr. t and i didn't really speak for the first two weeks and then i asked him to come pick up his things and we had a good talk for about an hour. after the 'i'm doing ok, with tears welling up n my eyes' conversation we started talking about everyday bullshit and it was fun. and God, i felt so much better. i also felt like we could actually be friends. so saturday we hung out. of course he made it seem like it was his last choice of entertainment but i looked forward to just hanging out with him. after about 4 beers... somethings were said on his part and it really confused me. he told me he still loves me but not in that i'm in love with you way, very nonchalant. and then later in the conversation i was talking about how i know i need to just move on and get over him and in the middle of my sentence he proclaims, ' i don't want you to get over me'...WTF? how am i suppose to react to that? how am i suppose to live with those words. i love this man deeply and he is has not returned my affection but wants to me hang on to him? i want so bad to talk this out with him but i am afraid he will back peddle, knock me down again, and walk away. or he may just say we should not see each other. and i can't live with that. not at this point. and i feel like doing nothing about it would mean i am too scared to make a move which in turn is the reason why we are in this place. he is too scared to make a move in his like. and we talked about that too on the other night... he says he does want all the things i have talked about wanting and i got so angry and told him, 'it's sitting right in front of him, literally, i am sitting right in front of you'. i know i need to let this go but i have never wanted, needed someone so bad. this man has filled my head up with nothing but words...words... words... i need action. i need him to show me what he feels, until then i can not give him anymore. i know that is easier said than done but i will try.

i feel like my relationship with mr.t was nothing to him... something easy to throw away in a day or two. no need to hang on to and talk it out or stick it out. i think he is so scared to move on with his life that he rather not try. but why... i have given him nothing but the best of me. is it not enough or i am not the one and if not just tell me. it would make sense and it would hurt but i think i could let go of it and it would be a little easier. i'm in limbo and i hate it. all i want to do is talk it through with him but i think it might be too much for him. he will just say i don't know... i'm still trying to work it out.... blah blah blah and that is not what i want to hear. i am going to give it a few more days. no talking, no texting, no email. i must tell myself to be strong strong strong.

update: i am weak. i called. it started a heated debate. we ended the conversation amicably and o good terms. we have not spoken sense.

moon.

i hate this place i am in right now. i am dealing with so many issues i don't know where to start. i don't have a job and i am having the hardest time finding motivation to put towards my business. the man who i thought hung the moon, apparently didn't hang it for me and left me when i needed him the most.

defeated.

he did it, mr.t finally finished it off. i am broken in everyway possible. i am back to square one. i have gone back and read blogs from when i was most down and what do you know ... i feel the exact same way. i truly want to die.

i need to do somthing

whoever says they don't want to work is NUTS.... i give you three weeks and then you would be donzo! i am going insane here. utterly insane!

where have i been?

it's like i have been missing in action for the past four months. i keep asking myself, 'self? where have you been?' and can't seem to come up with a good answer. all of may i must have getting my place together. and june is usually the best month of the year for me. july flew by and august has been crap, plain and utter crap.

i was fired from my job. FIRED! at 27! does anyone know what that feels like? i'm sure you do but it's gross and nasty and ugly... and i hate thinking about it.

another thing i hate thinking about... the man that i love love love, mr. t. he is still going through his stuff and it seems to have gotten worse. i find myself sick over this. SICK! i can't eat. i can't sleep. i can't stop thinking about him. i don't think he knows what he means to me and i feel like i am constantly trying to tell/show him and it's not working... at all. so i have relocated for the time being to my parental abode.

some may think, 'wow! she's a loser!'. and i say, 'touche!'.

but let me spell it out like this. i am trying so hard to make a life for myself. correction... a new life. since the one i was working on so diligently was taken away from me in a split second. i didn't have the perfect life everyone dreams of but i sure had something i could count on. someone to hold me when i needed it and someone to pick me up when i couldn't do it on my own anymore. and now.. i have nothing. i don't have a job to get up and push myself to go to anymore. i have a man that loves me but just doesn't want to be around me. i have friends who have their own life to tend to and family who has bigger fish to fry than me.

i just want that one person who is for me so bad.

i love love love him

i think i have found the guy of my dreams. wait. such a cliche...

let us go back a step.

so the guy in my life, Mr. T, i love him. absolutely adore this man. would worship the ground he walks on if that didn't make me look like a complete and total tard. he is what my 'happily ever after' is made of but he is not sure of what he wants his 'happily ever after' to be. i can't be bothered by that, can i?
well, i am. i am so bothered that at the age of 30 this kiddo is not aware of the steps he wants to take in his life. he constantly goes back and forth between the idea of singleton or two's company. or whether to invest in a house or jump around from cool apartment to cool apartment. i blame it on the cunty x-wife. she had ruined him. because of her infidelity, she has burned him to the core. stupid bitches, always fucking with the wrong men. he obviously wants me around or he would say or do something otherwise. i thought for a few weeks, that maybe he just wasn't that into me so i referred to that lame book and shimmed through it only finding out what i already knew... i can't believe someone made a buck on girls stupidity. o wait... i can. digressing from my point, all the points this book was trying to make, Mr.T, wasn't doing the obvious things. He was still asking me out, calling, taking me out with his friends, so on and so forth. So i let go of that and he more or less has reassured me he wants to be with me.

i need to know where i stand with him. we have talked about being together for long haul but sometimes i think he doesn't really think that far in advance. i have learned from him not to worry so much about what will be happening then and there but to pay attention to here and now.

Whew... wiping the sweat from my brow.

so... i did it, i moved! thank goodness it is over. Now to start making the house a home.

i am exhausted. i am overwhelmed. i can not wait until everything finds it's place and stays there. if only my puppers would do the same!

Stress, Stress, Stress

It's Tuesday... I move into my new place on Friday. My new place... all by myself. I have never moved into a new residence alone. I have always had a sister, a college dorm roommate, a sorority sister, a boyfriend, then a boyfriend turned husband to share all the anxieties of moving. The decisions. The approval of someone else. The comfort of knowing someone shares in your responsibility. But now, it's all my decision. Every. Single. Thing. This process has been very strange to me.

I have been living alone ever since My Sweet Baby James passed away, which will a year and three months on my moving day. But I have been living in the house that we lived in together so when we moved in there, we made those choices together. Now this is the first time ever I have had to do it on my own. I thought it would be fun and easy since it's my choice and I'm pretty sure I always know what I want but man was I wrong. I have second guessed my self on every single decision I have been making. I've been so worried if I am making the right choices for myself. Can I afford this new place? Will I be OK with the longer commute? Will I like my new neighborhood? Is it too far away from my friends? The list goes on and on.

Look. I know I am not the first person in the world who has had these obstacles to over come, I'm just saying, "Gees!" being alone in the world can be hard. Especially now that the stress of moving and getting everything together are coming to ahead. I have no one to help me. No one to hold my hand. Give me a hug. Go through trash. Tell me it's going to be OK. No one to look at and imagine what the days ahead will be like in this new place. This new place that will be different and not comforting like home should be. I have to say good bye to that comfort of a home that i have known and been through so many thing in. the first place we had moved after being married, the place where we hung out and slept and fought and made up. Where we discussed our future together and almost our future apart. where i fell to my knees in dealing with his lose. where i cried for days and pleaded with GOD to show me some answers. the exact place where i remember him laughing hysterically, the last place where i remember him looking at me and me telling him what i wanted for Valentines day and the exact spot where he hugged so very tight before we walked away and went our separate ways the weekend he died.

Now I have to make comforts at this new place. So wish me luck!

Are they real?

while watching the morning news today with my sweetie, Mr. T, and eating my delicious toast honey oats... Hillary Clinton popped up on the tellie and i thought to myself, "I wonder if those pearls are real?"
would you want a president who wore fake pearls... i know i wouldn't.

I have had an epiphany!

i've realized i have an "O! so small" tendency to over react to every emotional situation i come in contact with. surprise! surprise! right?! some might call me a bit dramatic...i call it passion!

*stepping off of soapbox #1 and moving to soapbox #2*

life is too short to live without passion, you know?! i don't get why people sit and twiddle there figures and let life pass them right by. it's so frustrating! where's the passion, the drive to build a life, the ambition to make yourself better, the want to give the people in your life what they need and want to make them happy!?!?! grant it, i'm not doing much at this point in my life (there's this unspecified time for grieving i'm still trying to figure out) but i'm trying. i trying to love my family and friends as much as i can, which is alot btw! and i'm trying to have a good time in the process but always in the back of my mind i'm also prepping and planning.... making sure the decisions i make today will only help me in the future not hinder me today or tomorrow. i try my hardest to let the people in my life know how much i love them and care for them because if it was all over for me tomorrow, they would know without a doubt that i love them with all my heart. that's my thing; i don't love half ass, i love whole hearted. and that tends to get me into some trouble. BUT if there's anything i've learned in my short 26 years of life, it's that life goes on and things will always get better. So love with all your might because that's all we really have to give others. all the other stuff means nuthin'!

*stepping off of soapbox #2 returning to soapbox #1*

i digress from my point of being emotionally dramatic... i mean passionate. Sooo, when i have my little emotional break downs and flip outs or get over excited about a little text message from a certain someone. i need to step back... wait a good half hour...come down from my high horse... and take 10 deeps breaths! I always realize that after the fact...after the blowing things out of proportion and acting like a total tard! and i can't take back all the stupid reactions i have....ugh! I'M SUCH A GIRL! ladies out there... do you ever have those moments? the moments where you can actually see yourself acting like that "stupid girl". The "stupid girl" you try your hardest not to be because you try to be the "cool girl". Yeah, i've been having those moments alot lately and it's no bueno. BTW, Not that i have to try to be the cool girl, cause i am... i just have to try at not being that "stupid girl".

Therefore, (raising my right)
I, Pearl Girl, pledge not to be an over reacting-irrational-basket case like-stupid girl-retard!

but i stand by what i say about being passionate about my life. so if i do over react and become a little irrational and act like a tard, i'll own it! no big deal! it only means i have fire in my belly and an umph for life! so if you don't like it or can't handle it...get to steppin'! there are plenty of people in my world that choose to be around me because i'm kicking Life right in the ass! So Suck It!
spank you very much and have a tantalizing day!

*stepping off of soapbox #1 and walking away with my head held high...